Hello, it's been a while since I posted here. I want to take a moment to put some thoughts down.

Whether I like it or not, I continue to come to terms with who I am and where I fit in the world. As someone with autism and the difficulties that carries this has been a defining struggle of my life.

I hold a lot of grief toward myself. It's like there's a part of me that holds me down and clams me up, especially when I feel vulnerable. It questions my intent, desires, and things I otherwise enjoy. It questions my right to belong anywhere. And it's way back in my subconscious; I often don't realise it's happening.

Because of this, it continues to be difficult to share things with people. Parts of myself, things I do, things I care about, even just my words, my existence entirely. I prefer to speak with people as little as possible, but I know I don't truly want that. I desperately want to be among people, but... There are a lot of things I want, and it's hard to know at what point I would be better off accepting them than to keep reaching for them.

I say that because it's gravely difficult to accept my inaction. When it comes to things I want, I am very persistent, but also very perfectionist. I see an outcome I want and I don't stop thinking about it; I don't stop trying, even if the methodology isn't effective. For years and years I have been at things, but I'm becoming tired, and lonely. I've been tired and lonely.

When I'm at my most tired and lonely, sometimes it's easier to not care about anything, and then I give myself distractions to cope. Soothing rituals, cheap thrills, video games, and such. Which are not bad inherently, but sometimes you just spend so much time coping that you wonder if you'll have ever finally "coped" and moved on.

I'm slipping into it again lately, and it's exhausting. I feel like an alien. The way I choose to carry myself, the things I want to do, say, talk about, or fixate on - I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, so I stop trying to reach out. And I'm basically a shut-in, so my standard for 'reaching out' can be quite mundane.

I desperately don't want things to be this way. But there's a pain in me that might continue to hold me for the rest of my life. I have to deal with it somehow.

I have a close circle of friends who I hold dear, and things that matter to me; people who care about me. But I haven't accepted that is all I want to do with the outside world.

Anywho, hope to talk again soon.